I never knew it was you

Dear Future Husband,

I'm running out of time to write these letters to you. Because well, I found you.
All the waiting, wishing, praying... it's all finally coming together.

In a mere 31 days, you will be husband, and not just future husband.

I am so excited!

I have prayed for you. and about you. a lot.
I have tried to work hard and be my best self for you. for us.
Just know that I won't stop that.
I'm not perfect, but I'm working.
It's a little bit strange that it's all finally real.

But I think I'm ready.

I never thought it would be you. (We all know that that came as a bit of a surprise). But when I think about it, I always knew that that was how it was going to work. I have had conversations with my Father in Heaven, and He told me that I would marry my best friend. He told me to be patient, and He told me that it would be someone I didn't expect... and boy did he have that right. I definitely didn't see you coming into my life the way you did. But I am so, so grateful that you did.

I'm glad that you already know my family, and that I already love yours. I'm so grateful that we have worked so hard together, to make a long-distance relationship work. I love that we read the scriptures, and pray, and laugh and everything. You are always able to give me the love and dedication that I need, even when I know that life gets difficult.

I'm excited to see the adventures we're going to go on. I'm excited to see you be a dad. I'm excited to be poor college students, and to do hard things together.

Thank you for being you. I love you.

Love,
Your (thrilled) future wife

Fishes Grant Wishes

Sometimes you have to give a speech in class on an experience. And sometimes you decide to talk about something gross. and something fun. and something... romantic?

Finding Beautiful

Every girl wants to feel beautiful. It's a part of who we are, a piece that is built into us, an insatiable desire to feel beautiful. loved. appreciated. unique. 

Girls feel beautiful when handsome men tell them that they are. They feel beautiful when they are in sexy dresses with expensive jewelry and lots of makeup. Perfectly manicured nails and curled hair. They feel beautiful when they travel to far off places and go to fancy parties. 

Or at least, that's what the world wants us to think that beauty is. 

But beauty is a little more tender than sexy dresses and handsome men and far off places. 

Beauty is something that has to be found, not created. 

It's in the moments you are doing what you love. It's in the moments that are small, but victorious.

For me, it's in the moments that I am sweaty and gross and completely unattractive, after running 3 miles.
It's coming home from a hike or a camping trip, with tangled, frizzy hair, covered in dirt, and smelling like sweat and smoke.
It's when I am surrounded by happy people, doing absolutely nothing, nowhere important.
When I am laughing.
When I am working.
When I am serving.
Loving. Helping. Getting dirty.

The moments that am particularly the quite opposite of glamorous, in very plain places, are when I find beauty. When I am in nature. When I am doing something I love. When I feel accomplished.

We don't say that a landscape isn't beautiful or complete because it doesn't have trees. Or because there is no ocean.
We don't curse the blue of the sky because it isn't always the orange and maroon colors of sunset.
We don't tell the peacock that it isn't majestic, because it isn't a lion. Or the lion that it is too ferocious and needs to be more like the mouse.

Beauty isn't something that we can fabricate. It's something that happens. True, inner beauty, is more attractive than any far off adventure or expensive fairytale. It's something here. Something now. Something so unique and perfect that only you can find it for yourself. No one can give it to you, and no one can take it away. So work for it. Keep it. Treasure it.

Make beauty yours. 

just mean it

Dear Future Husband,

don't win me with words.

If you really think I'm beautiful, that's nice. I do like to hear that, but only tell me if you mean it. only tell me you love me... if you are sincere.

I don't want the empty space that comes after those words, when there is no action to back it up. I don't want the waiting, when I get my hopes up because you said such flattering words, and didn't mean them. Not if I know you are saying those same words to so many other girls at the same time. It's a little disenchanting to be honest.

When I feel beautiful, it will be because I know I am. When I feel confidant, I worked to get there.

I am done with empty promises. I am done with words. I am done with flattery and compliments.

The way it happens in the movies, you can get away with anything if only you have the right words to say. If you can smooth talk her, and make her swoon a little, sneak in an unwarranted kiss... you've got it made. That's all it takes.

But this future wife of yours is going to be a little harder to get than that, because she's learned.

When I was growing up, my dad taught me to show him what I meant, by backing it up with action. If I loved him, and I meant it, I would do as he asked.
If you love me, that's all I ask. Show me. Your actions, I promise, will speak louder than your words. They will last longer, and will mean so much more to me.

And by the way, that doesn't mean flowers or chocolate. Though I will graciously accept the gifts and be grateful for them (dark chocolate and daisies are my favorite in case you wanted to know), but make sure that you mean them. Make sure that they are not a facade. Because I'm done with fake. I'm done with superficial, stereotypical, and shallow. I'm done with the smooth talk, and the show. The act won't be enough.
But that is how I know you will be worth it in the end.

Thank you for listening to my rants, especially when they are a little ridiculous.
I love you.

Love,
Your future wife, (that is sorry she got a little irritated today)

Just a little Valentines Love

Well, I still think that Valentines is a bit of an odd holiday. Super exciting for those that have lovers. And a little not-as-exciting for those that don't. 

But regardless, love is in the air, and I wanted to celebrate :)

Not

You are not your age,
Nor the size of clothes you wear,
You are not a weight,
Or the color of your hair.
You are not your name,
Or the dimples in your cheeks,
You are all the books you read,
And all the words you speak,
You are your croaky morning voice,
And the smiles you try to hide,
You're the sweetness in your laughter,
And every tear you've cried,
You're the songs you sing so loudly,
When you know you're all alone,
You're the places that you've been to,
And the one that you call home,
You're the things that you believe in,
And the people that you love,
You're the photos in your bedroom,
And the future you dream of,
You're made of so much beauty,
But it seems that you forgot,
When you decided that you were defined,
By all the things you're not.

--by Erin Hansen

smile to survive

Smiling creates a positive chemical reaction within your body.

When you smile you feel better. You look more attractive. You relieve stress. 

When you smile people want to be around you. You automatically are happier.

Bottom line, smiling is a good idea, and it's not meant for only when you feel happy. Sometimes it's a good idea to smile when you're not happy so that you can feel happier. 

Like for example when life is really hard, and people are aggravating. And when you have a lot on your plate and you're stressed, sure you're going to pull out all of your hair. And when it's cold outside and you've fallen on the ice, and you have a headache and friends are struggling and you had a terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-day. You name it. Life sometimes likes to throw a lot at us. 

But when you smile things just feel better. 

Try it. I dare you. 

And on that note, you will be able to find me at the gym, on an elliptical, smiling like an idiot...

Learning to Trust Him

sometimes you have to learn to trust you Father in Heaven.

actually, all the time.

because sometimes, things are really hard. and sometimes you want to give up. and sometimes you want to throw a little pity party and eat all of the chocolate and mope around for a while and just be angry. because that's easier, and it feels like it will make you feel better. And sometimes you think that you know what you want. and because you think you know what you want, you make plans. and sometimes (usually) those plans fail. epically. and it's not pretty.




and then sometimes, you remember that your Heavenly Father loves you. and no, he didn't abandon you. He just let you make some mistakes because He loves you. He said that it was okay for you to throw a little temper tantrum for a while, and eat all of the chocolate, because He knew that you would be okay, and that you would come out stronger. Sometimes He has to remind you that you, indeed, are not in charge. And sometimes though He has to remind you that He is in charge, and that you were doing it all wrong, He still loves you. And He still wants the best for you.

Sometimes He sends you daily reminders that you are not forgotten. He sends you some incredible people in your life that make you smile, and lift you up, and help you be the best person you can be. Sometimes He sends you messages from old friends reminding you that you are loved and missed. Sometimes He helps give you the strength you need, or clearer answers to prayers, or good weather, or chocolate from someone you love, or a smile, or relief, or someone to talk to. Sometimes he gives you the opportunity to serve, or to be served, or a really good scripture study. He gives clarity and peace.

And when all of that finally comes, you forget to be mad that he waited so long to help you. because in reality, He was only waiting for you.

Waiting for you to learn, and grow, and come to Him.