I used to think that I wanted to know what was going to happen in my life. I pictured God sitting upstairs with the blueprints of my life, and I just wanted him to give me a little glimpse. I knew that I had my own choices, of course, but I also knew that God would guide me, and I just wanted a copy of my script- just the outline.
Who would I marry? How many times would my heart be broken first before I met 'the one'? How long would I stay best friends with my best friends? Would I graduate single? What would I do for work? Would I ever have my own kids? Where would I settle down?
But mostly the one the plagued me was who would I marry, and when? I was willing to be patient until he showed up, but I wanted a time frame. The waiting was killing me.
A few months ago I hit my anniversary of being home from my mission for 2 years. It feels like forever and not that long at the same time. But I was thinking about where I am now, and if I would believe it if I had known this 2 years ago. What would have happened if I came home from my mission and been told, "Hey just so you know, in 2 years from now you will have graduated from BYUI with a degree in communications, still be in Rexburg, married to Gregory Odell, and pregnant."
I would have scoffed.
Married to a friend I had known for years (and the younger brother of an old crush no less)? Still in Rexburg and preparing to have a baby? That blueprint seemed impossible to me. It wasn't what I wanted or expected originally, but it has clearly been the best parts of my life. God really did know what he was doing the entire time.
Waiting is really hard. It takes a lot of trust, and patience, and hard work. MY original blueprint included me going to school and getting married just before I was 21. But I didn't know or understand the beauty of the lessons that I needed to learn by dating other guys, or waiting a few more years before I got married. I had no idea that I needed a mission to mold me into the woman that could be more confident in her own testimony and her own skin. I had to learn hard lessons about responsibility and commitment. I had to learn lessons that hurt, and I had to have my heart broken a few times- and heaven knows I didn't have heart breaks in MY blueprint. But God knew. He knew that I needed to break all of my dating rules, I needed to have my heart broken, and I needed to serve a mission. He knew that I needed Rexburg and the support group that I found there. He knew that I needed trials to help me grow in ways that I would not have chosen.
So then, how beautiful is it that we don't know. God knows so much better than we do about what we need. He understands what we want, but then if we let Him, He takes us a step further and gives us what we need. I am working harder every day to embrace God's blueprint for my life, because that is the one that is going to make me truly happy- none of this temporary jazz that doesn't last. When we follow His plan, He gives us happiness that lasts forever.
That is the blue print I want, no matter how hard it is.
