Dear Failure,

If you're reading this, that means you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's the reality of life.
You are a failure- and that's a good thing!

I was reading my Mom's blog this morning, and This Post really struck me. She writes about how she didn't realize how tough she was until she accomplished a half marathon. She also realized how not just physically, but mentally, there was a lot of work that went into reaching that accomplishment.

We hear that 'you are tougher than you think' and 'you can do hard things'. And I believe firmly that we are and that we can! Our bodies and our minds are capable of some seriously incredible tasks! People run distances I can't fathom running, make technological advances my brain can't begin to understand, and so much more. I am currently working towards a goal of birthing my first child naturally in a couple months- something that my body is built to do, which I find simply amazing!

But something that I want to make sure we get a grasp on, is that these 'hard things' don't take place immediately. My body is capable of birthing a baby without medication (and probably running a half marathon too), but not now. I need to study, mentally prepare, and do physical exercises to prepare my body and brain to accomplish this daunting task. Doing hard things, means work- and time, and effort, and sacrifice, and more work.

Doing hard things means progression.

When you were born, could you have fathomed it, running would have seemed really difficult- that's why you rolled, then scooted, then crawled, stood, walked, fell a lot, and eventually after a long time and a lot of failing, you were able to run. It works the same in adulthood- your body isn't going to just run a marathon or birth a baby or create the newest technological invention today. But after a lot of work, and lots of small steps, and lots of failing, You. Are. Capable.

So get started! Dream BIG and do HARD THINGS. Don't be afraid to start and don't be afraid to fail, because when you finally finish and look back, you will be amazed at the ground that you have covered and everything you have accomplished, despite your failures! You CAN do hard things. And you CAN do more than you think you are capable of. Just don't consider yourself completely inadequate when those things don't happen as soon as you hope and expect. Small failures are good things, but they don't define your character as a whole.

"The discipline you learn and character you build from setting and achieving a goal can be more valuable than the achievement of the goal itself."

-Bo Bennett

Sincerely,
A Fellow Failure

Blueprints

I used to think that I wanted to know what was going to happen in my life. I pictured God sitting upstairs with the blueprints of my life, and I just wanted him to give me a little glimpse. I knew that I had my own choices, of course, but I also knew that God would guide me, and I just wanted a copy of my script- just the outline.

Who would I marry? How many times would my heart be broken first before I met 'the one'? How long would I stay best friends with my best friends? Would I graduate single? What would I do for work? Would I ever have my own kids? Where would I settle down?

But mostly the one the plagued me was who would I marry, and when? I was willing to be patient until he showed up, but I wanted a time frame. The waiting was killing me.

A few months ago I hit my anniversary of being home from my mission for 2 years. It feels like forever and not that long at the same time. But I was thinking about where I am now, and if I would believe it if I had known this 2 years ago. What would have happened if I came home from my mission and been told, "Hey just so you know, in 2 years from now you will have graduated from BYUI with a degree in communications, still be in Rexburg, married to Gregory Odell, and pregnant."

I would have scoffed.

Married to a friend I had known for years (and the younger brother of an old crush no less)? Still in Rexburg and preparing to have a baby? That blueprint seemed impossible to me. It wasn't what I wanted or expected originally, but it has clearly been the best parts of my life. God really did know what he was doing the entire time.

Waiting is really hard. It takes a lot of trust, and patience, and hard work. MY original blueprint included me going to school and getting married just before I was 21. But I didn't know or understand the beauty of the lessons that I needed to learn by dating other guys, or waiting a few more years before I got married. I had no idea that I needed a mission to mold me into the woman that could be more confident in her own testimony and her own skin. I had to learn hard lessons about responsibility and commitment. I had to learn lessons that hurt, and I had to have my heart broken a few times- and heaven knows I didn't have heart breaks in MY blueprint. But God knew. He knew that I needed to break all of my dating rules, I needed to have my heart broken, and I needed to serve a mission. He knew that I needed Rexburg and the support group that I found there. He knew that I needed trials to help me grow in ways that I would not have chosen.

So then, how beautiful is it that we don't know. God knows so much better than we do about what we need. He understands what we want, but then if we let Him, He takes us a step further and gives us what we need. I am working harder every day to embrace God's blueprint for my life, because that is the one that is going to make me truly happy- none of this temporary jazz that doesn't last. When we follow His plan, He gives us happiness that lasts forever.

That is the blue print I want, no matter how hard it is.

What is America?

We had the presidential election yesterday. Donald Trump has been elected as the new president of the United States. It feels so unreal, but I am so glad that the majority of the political mess and banter seems to be over with. So many seem to be hurting today because Trump won- but it would be the same if Clinton had won too. Our country is so divided, and it is awful to try and talk to anyone about it anymore.

Part of what hurts me so much are the absolutes that everyone seems to deal in. 'The other side is wrong because of this, or their side is wrong because of that. All Clinton supporters are liars, or all Trump supporters are racists and bigots'. Nobody gives anyone a chance to tell their side anymore. We blame each other, and assume that our position is right (because we researched it of course), without ever taking the time to sit down and really understand what the person on the other side of that comment is thinking and feeling- what that human being might be emotionally enduring. In part because we live in a world that is majorly expressed through status updates and pictures, we are detached from one another, and we seem to have forgotten how to love each other and recognize one another as people. We are individuals with stories and backgrounds, families and beliefs, history and emotion. We have lost the capacity to remember the purpose of America, a nation founded under God.

I ache for our country. I ache for how divided we feel in a nation that is supposed to stand united. I would never wish for the pain and fear that 9/11 brought to our country, but I do yearn for the unity and support and outpouring of love that followed that event so many years ago. I hate to think that only a tragedy such as that would humble us enough to listen and turn to each other regardless of what we look like, or what we do for a living, or what we choose to believe. 

We are Americans. We belong together, and I am exhausted from watching that fall apart.

Learning love

Remember this post? Where I ranted about commitment?

Since then I have found the man of my dreams. Someone who doesn't just talk, but also does. He works hard, and gives me surprises of things that I love, and listens to me, and tells me I am beautiful, and I know that he means it. And being married to him is so much better than I ever imagined. 

Real-life love is different. Real-life love feels different. There is something about it that isn't what you think it's going to be. 

“You have to promise you won't fall in love with me.” 

-A Walk To Remember

Love is portrayed in movies, and songs, and on TV. Love there is passionate, and wild. There are angry fights, and then they make up. They try to portray the conflict that will inevitably arise, and they try to portray the hardship and the trials. That love seemed real to me. It wasn't perfect, and I knew that love never would be, but I longed for it. 

“They didn’t agree on much. In fact, they didn’t agree on anything. They fought all the time and challenged each other ever day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.” 

-The Notebook

I love the way Noah and Ali's story works out in 'The Notebook'. 

I love the way Landon and Jaime come together in 'A Walk to Remember', and he turns his entire life around because he falls in love with her, even though he knows she is sick. 

I love the way 'P.S I love You' shows the love a couple can carry even after death, and how you can move on and still find life and love. 

I fell in love with how imperfectly perfect love seemed to be. Logically I knew what I wanted, but it wasn't until I got married that I realized that love was different. Love is all of those things that I wanted, and even more. The thing about real-life love is there just aren't words. And I know that sounds cliche. All that,  "I couldn't be happier" and "he makes so happy" and all that other mushy stuff. The thing about real-life love, is that even the most poetic prose can't capture the dedication and the feeling. The true emotion you feel in your chest when you are disappointed or anxious or just flat out in love that you couldn't be happier. The pillow talk and the adventures and the passion and the conflict. The dynamics of real-life love are so intricate, that there isn't a way to explore all the facets without being directly involved. 

Just the fact that I'm going into such depth to explain how something so wonderful is in-explainable, is a contradiction to the idea itself. 

So though I still love a good chick flick, and I love the love and the romance and everything that comes with it in the movies, I prefer the real thing. I'm thrilled to have more than a lifetime to learn love. 

Cuh-Razy

This last week was cuh-razy. Crazy long. Crazy busy. Crazy beautiful. Just straight up crazy. I did a lot of things, and well... didn't do a lot of things.

But amongst all the things I did (and didn't) do, I also want to share with you a full circle view of the other things that I learned about myself, that I think you could benefit from.

Mentally: I need a clean apartment. I like to do homework, well, at home. It's my space where no one can really bother me. But if there are dishes in the sink, or clothes on the floor- not gonna happen. Nope. Nada. Not a chance. If I'm going to clear my brain, I need to clear my house.

Physical: I bike to school, so this week I had to take it back to the mission. I learned that biking in a skirt is the worst. I learned that if your skirt is too long it gets caught in the gears. If it's too short it rides up to an uncomfortable point just above your knee, and you have to pray the entire time that no one is really paying that close of attention- while you frantically steer with one hand and hold your skirt down with the other.

Emotional: (This one is my favorite). It's important to take time to be in the moment. I have lists and lists of things I need to do.  The "this is what must be done today" list. And the "here is what should be done sometime this week" list. Lists for goals, menus, cleaning, grocery lists, letters to write, people to pray for, things to buy, on and on and on. But what happens is then I think about those lists. Hanging out with friends, *thinking about what I still need to to that day*. Date with my husband *the dishes still aren't clean*. Working on homework *I know there's an email I forgot to send... have I called my mom this week?*
Can you see why I'm a bit of a wreck sometimes (crazy)? I'm learning to take things one step at a time. It will be okay, and things will get done. And it is important that when I'm with my husband, I'm actually with my husband. And when I'm doing homework, I can focus because I'm not worried about something else that I haven't done yet. It's impossible to do all the things at once, and that's okay.

Spiritual: Take a break during the day, and find peace in the scriptures. I know that everyone has their different routine for when to read, but this week mine was to stop at lunchtime. It's easy for my day to get a little overwhelming, so 45 minutes to refuel my spiritually and relax my brain is the best mid-day medicine a person can get.


So if this busy girl with a crazy schedule can find a moment to learn a few new things.... well, I think you know the rest.