Learning love

Remember this post? Where I ranted about commitment?

Since then I have found the man of my dreams. Someone who doesn't just talk, but also does. He works hard, and gives me surprises of things that I love, and listens to me, and tells me I am beautiful, and I know that he means it. And being married to him is so much better than I ever imagined. 

Real-life love is different. Real-life love feels different. There is something about it that isn't what you think it's going to be. 

“You have to promise you won't fall in love with me.” 

-A Walk To Remember

Love is portrayed in movies, and songs, and on TV. Love there is passionate, and wild. There are angry fights, and then they make up. They try to portray the conflict that will inevitably arise, and they try to portray the hardship and the trials. That love seemed real to me. It wasn't perfect, and I knew that love never would be, but I longed for it. 

“They didn’t agree on much. In fact, they didn’t agree on anything. They fought all the time and challenged each other ever day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.” 

-The Notebook

I love the way Noah and Ali's story works out in 'The Notebook'. 

I love the way Landon and Jaime come together in 'A Walk to Remember', and he turns his entire life around because he falls in love with her, even though he knows she is sick. 

I love the way 'P.S I love You' shows the love a couple can carry even after death, and how you can move on and still find life and love. 

I fell in love with how imperfectly perfect love seemed to be. Logically I knew what I wanted, but it wasn't until I got married that I realized that love was different. Love is all of those things that I wanted, and even more. The thing about real-life love is there just aren't words. And I know that sounds cliche. All that,  "I couldn't be happier" and "he makes so happy" and all that other mushy stuff. The thing about real-life love, is that even the most poetic prose can't capture the dedication and the feeling. The true emotion you feel in your chest when you are disappointed or anxious or just flat out in love that you couldn't be happier. The pillow talk and the adventures and the passion and the conflict. The dynamics of real-life love are so intricate, that there isn't a way to explore all the facets without being directly involved. 

Just the fact that I'm going into such depth to explain how something so wonderful is in-explainable, is a contradiction to the idea itself. 

So though I still love a good chick flick, and I love the love and the romance and everything that comes with it in the movies, I prefer the real thing. I'm thrilled to have more than a lifetime to learn love. 

Cuh-Razy

This last week was cuh-razy. Crazy long. Crazy busy. Crazy beautiful. Just straight up crazy. I did a lot of things, and well... didn't do a lot of things.

But amongst all the things I did (and didn't) do, I also want to share with you a full circle view of the other things that I learned about myself, that I think you could benefit from.

Mentally: I need a clean apartment. I like to do homework, well, at home. It's my space where no one can really bother me. But if there are dishes in the sink, or clothes on the floor- not gonna happen. Nope. Nada. Not a chance. If I'm going to clear my brain, I need to clear my house.

Physical: I bike to school, so this week I had to take it back to the mission. I learned that biking in a skirt is the worst. I learned that if your skirt is too long it gets caught in the gears. If it's too short it rides up to an uncomfortable point just above your knee, and you have to pray the entire time that no one is really paying that close of attention- while you frantically steer with one hand and hold your skirt down with the other.

Emotional: (This one is my favorite). It's important to take time to be in the moment. I have lists and lists of things I need to do.  The "this is what must be done today" list. And the "here is what should be done sometime this week" list. Lists for goals, menus, cleaning, grocery lists, letters to write, people to pray for, things to buy, on and on and on. But what happens is then I think about those lists. Hanging out with friends, *thinking about what I still need to to that day*. Date with my husband *the dishes still aren't clean*. Working on homework *I know there's an email I forgot to send... have I called my mom this week?*
Can you see why I'm a bit of a wreck sometimes (crazy)? I'm learning to take things one step at a time. It will be okay, and things will get done. And it is important that when I'm with my husband, I'm actually with my husband. And when I'm doing homework, I can focus because I'm not worried about something else that I haven't done yet. It's impossible to do all the things at once, and that's okay.

Spiritual: Take a break during the day, and find peace in the scriptures. I know that everyone has their different routine for when to read, but this week mine was to stop at lunchtime. It's easy for my day to get a little overwhelming, so 45 minutes to refuel my spiritually and relax my brain is the best mid-day medicine a person can get.


So if this busy girl with a crazy schedule can find a moment to learn a few new things.... well, I think you know the rest.

Finding Beautiful

Every girl wants to feel beautiful. It's a part of who we are, a piece that is built into us, an insatiable desire to feel beautiful. loved. appreciated. unique. 

Girls feel beautiful when handsome men tell them that they are. They feel beautiful when they are in sexy dresses with expensive jewelry and lots of makeup. Perfectly manicured nails and curled hair. They feel beautiful when they travel to far off places and go to fancy parties. 

Or at least, that's what the world wants us to think that beauty is. 

But beauty is a little more tender than sexy dresses and handsome men and far off places. 

Beauty is something that has to be found, not created. 

It's in the moments you are doing what you love. It's in the moments that are small, but victorious.

For me, it's in the moments that I am sweaty and gross and completely unattractive, after running 3 miles.
It's coming home from a hike or a camping trip, with tangled, frizzy hair, covered in dirt, and smelling like sweat and smoke.
It's when I am surrounded by happy people, doing absolutely nothing, nowhere important.
When I am laughing.
When I am working.
When I am serving.
Loving. Helping. Getting dirty.

The moments that am particularly the quite opposite of glamorous, in very plain places, are when I find beauty. When I am in nature. When I am doing something I love. When I feel accomplished.

We don't say that a landscape isn't beautiful or complete because it doesn't have trees. Or because there is no ocean.
We don't curse the blue of the sky because it isn't always the orange and maroon colors of sunset.
We don't tell the peacock that it isn't majestic, because it isn't a lion. Or the lion that it is too ferocious and needs to be more like the mouse.

Beauty isn't something that we can fabricate. It's something that happens. True, inner beauty, is more attractive than any far off adventure or expensive fairytale. It's something here. Something now. Something so unique and perfect that only you can find it for yourself. No one can give it to you, and no one can take it away. So work for it. Keep it. Treasure it.

Make beauty yours. 

just mean it

Dear Future Husband,

don't win me with words.

If you really think I'm beautiful, that's nice. I do like to hear that, but only tell me if you mean it. only tell me you love me... if you are sincere.

I don't want the empty space that comes after those words, when there is no action to back it up. I don't want the waiting, when I get my hopes up because you said such flattering words, and didn't mean them. Not if I know you are saying those same words to so many other girls at the same time. It's a little disenchanting to be honest.

When I feel beautiful, it will be because I know I am. When I feel confidant, I worked to get there.

I am done with empty promises. I am done with words. I am done with flattery and compliments.

The way it happens in the movies, you can get away with anything if only you have the right words to say. If you can smooth talk her, and make her swoon a little, sneak in an unwarranted kiss... you've got it made. That's all it takes.

But this future wife of yours is going to be a little harder to get than that, because she's learned.

When I was growing up, my dad taught me to show him what I meant, by backing it up with action. If I loved him, and I meant it, I would do as he asked.
If you love me, that's all I ask. Show me. Your actions, I promise, will speak louder than your words. They will last longer, and will mean so much more to me.

And by the way, that doesn't mean flowers or chocolate. Though I will graciously accept the gifts and be grateful for them (dark chocolate and daisies are my favorite in case you wanted to know), but make sure that you mean them. Make sure that they are not a facade. Because I'm done with fake. I'm done with superficial, stereotypical, and shallow. I'm done with the smooth talk, and the show. The act won't be enough.
But that is how I know you will be worth it in the end.

Thank you for listening to my rants, especially when they are a little ridiculous.
I love you.

Love,
Your future wife, (that is sorry she got a little irritated today)

smile to survive

Smiling creates a positive chemical reaction within your body.

When you smile you feel better. You look more attractive. You relieve stress. 

When you smile people want to be around you. You automatically are happier.

Bottom line, smiling is a good idea, and it's not meant for only when you feel happy. Sometimes it's a good idea to smile when you're not happy so that you can feel happier. 

Like for example when life is really hard, and people are aggravating. And when you have a lot on your plate and you're stressed, sure you're going to pull out all of your hair. And when it's cold outside and you've fallen on the ice, and you have a headache and friends are struggling and you had a terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-day. You name it. Life sometimes likes to throw a lot at us. 

But when you smile things just feel better. 

Try it. I dare you. 

And on that note, you will be able to find me at the gym, on an elliptical, smiling like an idiot...

Learning to Trust Him

sometimes you have to learn to trust you Father in Heaven.

actually, all the time.

because sometimes, things are really hard. and sometimes you want to give up. and sometimes you want to throw a little pity party and eat all of the chocolate and mope around for a while and just be angry. because that's easier, and it feels like it will make you feel better. And sometimes you think that you know what you want. and because you think you know what you want, you make plans. and sometimes (usually) those plans fail. epically. and it's not pretty.




and then sometimes, you remember that your Heavenly Father loves you. and no, he didn't abandon you. He just let you make some mistakes because He loves you. He said that it was okay for you to throw a little temper tantrum for a while, and eat all of the chocolate, because He knew that you would be okay, and that you would come out stronger. Sometimes He has to remind you that you, indeed, are not in charge. And sometimes though He has to remind you that He is in charge, and that you were doing it all wrong, He still loves you. And He still wants the best for you.

Sometimes He sends you daily reminders that you are not forgotten. He sends you some incredible people in your life that make you smile, and lift you up, and help you be the best person you can be. Sometimes He sends you messages from old friends reminding you that you are loved and missed. Sometimes He helps give you the strength you need, or clearer answers to prayers, or good weather, or chocolate from someone you love, or a smile, or relief, or someone to talk to. Sometimes he gives you the opportunity to serve, or to be served, or a really good scripture study. He gives clarity and peace.

And when all of that finally comes, you forget to be mad that he waited so long to help you. because in reality, He was only waiting for you.

Waiting for you to learn, and grow, and come to Him.

decisions. and prayer. and answers.

sometimes you have to make decisions that don't make sense, because they are right.
i feel like i was raised well, to know that sometimes you have to make decisions that are not always easy, but they are right. one time, when I was 16 or 17, i planned a dance for the youth in my area. about the same time that i started planning for the dance, our next door neighbors asked if i would stay the night at their house, all evening, and watch their kids for their anniversary. of course i said yes. then, about a week before the dance was supposed to happen, i realized that i had done something horrible.

i double booked myself.

That meant that now, i had to make a choice. Because i didn't have much notice, there wasn't resources for me to find someone to take my place in babysitting, besides the fact that they had asked me to help. whereas, even though of course my first choice to go and manage and enjoy the dance i had spent so much time planning, there were people i had worked closely with that i knew would be able to manage it without me. I prayed, and thought, and counseled... and eventually concluded that in this case, right was not easy. I had spent months planning this dance. It was olympic themed, and i spent hours working with a council of youth and leaders planning what relays we would do, and delegating who would be in charge of what. learning what our budget was, and putting together teams, and games, and decorations, and supplies. I was so eager to go and have a good time, and watch all of my hard work come together in the joy on the faces of my peers.
but with some prodding from my parents, and the spirit, i knew that i had signed up for too many things. i was obligated to babysit for my neighbor since that was the first thing i had signed up for.
i cried over that decision. it might seem petty now, but to 16-year-old me, it was sort of a big deal. i was devastated to not be able to go to this dance. but i knew that i had to do what was right.


Heavenly Father knows what we need. sometimes he gives us decisions between right and wrong. more and more, i believe that he gives us decisions between good, better, and best. sometimes it is easy to settle with what is good. and sometimes even what is better. but we need to keep an eye on what is best. striving for what is best is what will take us so much farther.

and sometimes those decisions that we make are not easy. they are not what we want. we have to be able to see what we want, and set it aside, so that we can make an effective decision- the best decision. the one that will most benefit us, and all those around us that might be effected... and you have to consider your future as well, and any possible consequences and outcomes.

i have done a lot of pondering this last week. a lot of thinking, and a lot of praying. prayer is so important. to know the difference between right and wrong. or between better and best. or to know what will make you the most happy. or just simply to know which way to care more. prayer will lead you to an answer. sometimes that answer comes immediately, and sometimes it comes through a lot of sweat and tears. lots, and lots of tears. and more prayers and hard work, plowing forward until God says that you have finally learned what you needed to. then sometimes he says yes, or no. sometimes he says what you want to hear, and sometimes he gives the answer you didn't want, or didn't expect. sometimes he had you wait so that an alternate route could be opened up that you didn't even know was possible. sometimes he just expects us to walk forward, and trust. trust that even though things are hard, it will all work out. trust that He knows more. 
trust that He is there to strengthen, and comfort, and answer. 
trust that He will never let you fall too far. 
He won't give you more than you can handle without Him by your side.
trust that when you go through hard times, there is a purpose. always. 
trust that he loves you. He knows you.
He wants you to succeed.
trust that he trusts you.

And when we follow promptings that we receive, even when they don't makes sense, or they seem difficult, we will always be right. It doesn't mean that the path won't be hard, but it does mean that you are walking with your Father in Heaven by your side, and that He is proud of you. It does mean that you will be happier in the end, and that you can succeed and grow and learn and develop into the person that He has planned for you to become. Our trials are tailored specifically to us and our individual needs. There is no decision that we have to make that isn't necessary. no hurt that wasn't vital to our progress.

I am so grateful for a Father that I know cares for me. A Father that I know I can trust.

i really should be asleep

But I just feel this urge to write... something. So we'll see what comes out today I guess.
I have been home from my mission for 6 weeks now. The next set of missionaries after me came home today.
That's a little surreal.

I've learned some things since being home.

1. Stay productive. It's one thing to stay busy, and another to stay productive. If 'busy' means you are on Facebook or pinterest, your life will not feel fulfilled, and you will be miserable in the long run.
2. Move quickly. No, life does not have to be a never ending race, but it should move briskly. Find things that you need to do, and love to do, and do them. Don't wait around for something to happen. Make things happen.
3. Laugh a lot, and do it with people you love.
4. Have a lazy day, but stay energized. I have had a few days where it really was nice to not have a plan, and not do anything. But nothing consisted of aimless walks and listening to lots of music and reading books.
5. Work out. Just do it... you will feel better. Promise.
6. I still don't have the attention span for movies or anything of the sort... not to say it isn't good, I just can't concentrate on anything for that long anymore.
7. Thinking of others constantly was not only meant for my mission. It's a good guide for life. I find that i'm just happier and more at peace, and even closer to God, when I put the needs of others before my own. It's a simple law really.
8. Cleanliness is Godliness. Again, having a clean living space was not just for the mission. When things are clean, then I think better, and things get done. I just feel better. Freer.
9. Now that my communication with family and friends is more accessible, all the more reason to use it more frequently. Life goes on, and I am so happy to have my family by my side while that happens.
10. Just because I don't have anyone to teach constantly doesn't mean that there aren't ways for me to work on sharing the gospel. Social media is an incredible tool that has been created for me to do missionary work, even though I am no longer set aoart to do so!
11. prayer is so essential. Yes, I learned this lesson before I came home, thank heavens, but really. Talking to God is the only way that we will be able to trust Him fully. And since He is in charge of our lives, and we are not, it's sort of important that we do so. Trust and rely on Him, that is. He knows where life will lead us, and we don't. So naturally, if we talk to Him regularly, we will be able to feel closer to Him, and more dependent in making choices with Him guiding us at all times.
 It's quite comforting really, to know that I have a supreme being guiding my life, and I have a way to communicate with Him. And though I grow impatient, he is ever waiting to show me what I need to learn. He always has arms open to hold me and comfort me. He keeps my life a surprise so that my life will still be an adventure, and so I can learn everything that I need to.

It's been so nice being home. Hard. There are so many things that I miss, and yet so much that I am glad to have here. It's hard work to find those same fulfilling feelings that you get used to on a mission. But oh how grateful I am to have a loving father in Heaven who listens to and guides me, and a great family, and some awesome friends to support me and make me laugh, and go on crazy adventures with me.

I am a blessed woman.

boys will be the death of me

so, i like to do a lot of things that i'm not good at

like, dancing. and sports. and basically all the things.
so i look like a klutzy idiot
but i have fun, so i usually participate anyways

sometimes, I know that being a klutzy idiot is not worth it, and i decide to sit on the sidelines

last week, was one of those time that i tried to be wiser, and not participate.
it was also the time that those who were participating decided that I had to participate.

so though I knew that a 12 mile hike would not be good for me, the boys made me go.

long story short, it rained. and i was a pansy. and i've been sitting in humid Georgia for a month, not hiking in the dry mountains of Wyoming. and we didn't make it to the top. maybe half way? maybe?...

one day i'll be fit enough to make it, because i'm sure it's beautiful, and definitely worth it.

Nic and David

Ethan and Tyler

 

See that little peak way up there?...

...that's the little peak that we had to hike to. Where i'm standing now is where we called it quits

love these guys!

So, even though I joke that the hike was only their plot to try and kill me, it really was a lot of fun.
And they were really good.
I needed to take a lot of breaks. (really, it was a lot) but they stopped and waited for me every time. even though i now they probably didn't want to
and when we crossed the streams, they helped me across so i didn't fall in
and when I needed to stop and realized i couldn't make it to the top, they went back with me. even though i know they didn't want to.

i have the best friends :)

advice and more from random texts i have saved in my phone

they're just as apt to dump you as you are to dump them

i'm trying to expel the male variety of the human race from my life

"promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think" christopher robin to pooh

Dear ky, don't be chicken :)

you strive to become perfect for each other, rather than finding the perfect person for you. you come together to make something perfect

sometimes, like stars, we need to be in darkness to shine our brightest

well, sometimes we gotta do things we aren't good at. just go for it. i believe in you! :)

so just calm down :) he's just a boy

chin up. don't down on yourself

"i love you always forever..."

just to let you know, Ethan and Drew helped me finish of the BYU chips you gave me. They are now fascinated that their poo is blue

I'm taking ______ driving. I don't remember it being so crazy with you

If you sit with a cute boy for an hour, it feels like a minute

SMILE. i love you :D

i miss you already

-While taking Drew to get a drink of water, he said to me, "Mom, I kind of think you love me the best." Sorry Kylie
-haha who does he think he's kidding? i'm pretty sure I'M the most loved
-Shoot! Discovered again! I have got to do a better job of covering my tracks

Take deep breaths today. Smile a lot, and help someone else to smile too... I love you!

nobody should be jealous because someone else chooses to be kind