Owen Jacob Odell- Birth Story

So having a baby literally leaves you with no time! I hate that it has taken me SO long to write this, but here is our baby's birth story :)

                Owen was due Sunday the 2^nd, so I was getting pretty anxious to have a baby, but I was also doing my best to be very patient. That baby was going to come when it was ready. The midwife I was seeing wasn't going to talk about induction until the next week, but suggested stripping my membranes. It sounded harmless and like a natural enough of a process that I consented. I went in for an appointment to strip my membranes Wednesday morning April 5th. It was uncomfortable, but not as painful as I had expected. I left the office that morning feeling like I was cramping for my period, and that pain didn't go away all day. Around 1:00 I went to get a pedicure (I deserved to treat myself a little, right?), and was starting to feel slightly painful contractions but I wasn't timing them- they were maybe 20ish minutes apart and not extremely consistent. They weren't killing me and I could ignore them for the most part. I was getting excited but I wasn't keeping my hopes up. I went to a friend's house to hang out, went grocery shopping, and then went home to make dinner. I made dinner and it helped to walk around and take my mind of off the contractions. As we were eating, around 5:30, they were feeling consistent and strong (but still just dull pain in my lower back that I could mostly ignore), so I decided to start timing them. 30 sec long, 3.5 minutes apart.

                Greg and I cleaned up dinner and sat down to watch Cinderella (live action). I was uncomfortable from the contractions and the increasing pain in my lower back, so I was shifting around a lot. I bounced on a yoga ball, and I stood and swayed. I decided that I hated the pedicure I had gotten that afternoon, so I asked greg to remove it for me- but I was in enough pain that I didn't want to sit, so I stood and swayed while he sat on the ground and took off the polish. What a champ.

                I then moved to the shower to help relax and relieve pain, and the hot water and pressure on my lower back felt incredible! I literally stayed there until we ran out of hot water. Greg came in to bring me water at one point and found me on all fours with my head sticking out the side of the tub so I could breathe and the water could still soothe my back. I then moved to the bed and labored there for a little while. Around 9:00 I timed contractions again and at this point they were about a minute long, and 2.5 minutes apart. And they HURT! I was laying on the bed, breathing and moaning through contractions. I tried listening to my hypno babies track to help me relax, but her voice mostly just annoyed me. Greg started loading the car while I labored, and by 9:45 we headed to the hospital.

                I remember being in the car and between contractions wanting Gregory to drive as fast as possible… and during them I was bracing against the roof of the car trying not to feel every bump and rail road track we crossed. Upon arrival, I got out of the car and I felt like I was hardly getting a break between contractions. They were coming hard and fast, and the pain in my lower back was intense. I made it almost to the door and doubled over in pain. A stranger offered to park our car, and I gladly accepted. He also grabbed me a wheelchair and Greg quickly took me to the third floor. I was worried that they would need to check my first before I was admitted, but I was in tears, and later was told that they could tell I was in real labor, and they admitted me right away. I was SO grateful.

                I wanted a natural labor, but once at the hospital I was desperate for some pain relief, my back labor was awful. I was dilated to a 4 (I had been a 3 for a week already and was REALLY hoping to have progressed more by that point), and 100% effaced. I had an epidural by just after 11:00 (at which point I was now dilated to a 6), and my sense of time from here on out disappears. I was able to get some rest before Owen came which was a huge relief. We both got some sleep despite the adrenaline, and the nurses came in a few times to flip me over. I could still feel some pain and pressure on my right side, though it was mostly just annoying. Nothing too painful or worth worrying about.

                At one point, though I was numb, I thought I could feel something leaking and wondered if my water had broken. A nurse came to check and just let me know that my mucus plug had come out. So no baby yet, but one step closer! The nurse told me that my water would most likely break on its own in the next hour. Just a little while after that I felt something leaking again, and hoped it was my water. I reached down with my hand to make sure I wasn't going crazy, and touched what felt like a small water balloon coming out of me! The first nurse came in and didn't know what to do, so the charge nurse came in to take a look. Apparently my water HAD broken, but the sac had broken at the top, so the water was leaking out internally. What I felt, was some fluid still in the sac, and the bottom of the sac still intact, coming out of me. It was so strange! The nurse pulled the rest of the sac right out, and said that we were still just waiting for baby's head to come down a little farther until we could push.

                A while later we tried pushing, but there was little progress, so we decided to let the baby 'labor down' for another 30 minutes before we tried to push again. When it came time to push consistently, I was very excited and very exhausted. Even though I couldn't feel the pain it was more work than I anticipated. The time went by very quickly, but I imagine I pushed for about an hour. The epidural that I had was perfect- I couldn't feel any pain, but I could feel pressure. I was able to tell when a contraction was coming seconds before the monitor could pick it up, so I was prepared to push. Having Gregory there was immense help. He held my hand, fed me huckleberry ice chips, and encouraged me the entire time. Every time he could see the baby's head come out a little more I could see it on his face and it gave me some serious motivation. A couple times, as the baby's head was crowning, I was able to reach down and touch his head. A baby was really coming out of me!! I pushed hard. I developed a slight fever and some nausea from the work, though neither was problematic. In fact, the final push that got Owen out was from me throwing up…

                When they told me it was a boy I couldn't believe it… I had been so convinced for 9 months that I was having a girl. The cord was wrapped around his neck once, but it was quickly resolved. They placed his beautiful, wrinkled, blue little body on me, and I was overcome with such love.

                He was perfect. 

                Owen Jacob Odell was born Thursday, April 6, 2017 at 3:58 am. He weighted 8lbs 11oz, and was 21.5 inches long. Healthy as could be and the light of our lives!

Dear Failure,

If you're reading this, that means you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's the reality of life.
You are a failure- and that's a good thing!

I was reading my Mom's blog this morning, and This Post really struck me. She writes about how she didn't realize how tough she was until she accomplished a half marathon. She also realized how not just physically, but mentally, there was a lot of work that went into reaching that accomplishment.

We hear that 'you are tougher than you think' and 'you can do hard things'. And I believe firmly that we are and that we can! Our bodies and our minds are capable of some seriously incredible tasks! People run distances I can't fathom running, make technological advances my brain can't begin to understand, and so much more. I am currently working towards a goal of birthing my first child naturally in a couple months- something that my body is built to do, which I find simply amazing!

But something that I want to make sure we get a grasp on, is that these 'hard things' don't take place immediately. My body is capable of birthing a baby without medication (and probably running a half marathon too), but not now. I need to study, mentally prepare, and do physical exercises to prepare my body and brain to accomplish this daunting task. Doing hard things, means work- and time, and effort, and sacrifice, and more work.

Doing hard things means progression.

When you were born, could you have fathomed it, running would have seemed really difficult- that's why you rolled, then scooted, then crawled, stood, walked, fell a lot, and eventually after a long time and a lot of failing, you were able to run. It works the same in adulthood- your body isn't going to just run a marathon or birth a baby or create the newest technological invention today. But after a lot of work, and lots of small steps, and lots of failing, You. Are. Capable.

So get started! Dream BIG and do HARD THINGS. Don't be afraid to start and don't be afraid to fail, because when you finally finish and look back, you will be amazed at the ground that you have covered and everything you have accomplished, despite your failures! You CAN do hard things. And you CAN do more than you think you are capable of. Just don't consider yourself completely inadequate when those things don't happen as soon as you hope and expect. Small failures are good things, but they don't define your character as a whole.

"The discipline you learn and character you build from setting and achieving a goal can be more valuable than the achievement of the goal itself."

-Bo Bennett

Sincerely,
A Fellow Failure

Blueprints

I used to think that I wanted to know what was going to happen in my life. I pictured God sitting upstairs with the blueprints of my life, and I just wanted him to give me a little glimpse. I knew that I had my own choices, of course, but I also knew that God would guide me, and I just wanted a copy of my script- just the outline.

Who would I marry? How many times would my heart be broken first before I met 'the one'? How long would I stay best friends with my best friends? Would I graduate single? What would I do for work? Would I ever have my own kids? Where would I settle down?

But mostly the one the plagued me was who would I marry, and when? I was willing to be patient until he showed up, but I wanted a time frame. The waiting was killing me.

A few months ago I hit my anniversary of being home from my mission for 2 years. It feels like forever and not that long at the same time. But I was thinking about where I am now, and if I would believe it if I had known this 2 years ago. What would have happened if I came home from my mission and been told, "Hey just so you know, in 2 years from now you will have graduated from BYUI with a degree in communications, still be in Rexburg, married to Gregory Odell, and pregnant."

I would have scoffed.

Married to a friend I had known for years (and the younger brother of an old crush no less)? Still in Rexburg and preparing to have a baby? That blueprint seemed impossible to me. It wasn't what I wanted or expected originally, but it has clearly been the best parts of my life. God really did know what he was doing the entire time.

Waiting is really hard. It takes a lot of trust, and patience, and hard work. MY original blueprint included me going to school and getting married just before I was 21. But I didn't know or understand the beauty of the lessons that I needed to learn by dating other guys, or waiting a few more years before I got married. I had no idea that I needed a mission to mold me into the woman that could be more confident in her own testimony and her own skin. I had to learn hard lessons about responsibility and commitment. I had to learn lessons that hurt, and I had to have my heart broken a few times- and heaven knows I didn't have heart breaks in MY blueprint. But God knew. He knew that I needed to break all of my dating rules, I needed to have my heart broken, and I needed to serve a mission. He knew that I needed Rexburg and the support group that I found there. He knew that I needed trials to help me grow in ways that I would not have chosen.

So then, how beautiful is it that we don't know. God knows so much better than we do about what we need. He understands what we want, but then if we let Him, He takes us a step further and gives us what we need. I am working harder every day to embrace God's blueprint for my life, because that is the one that is going to make me truly happy- none of this temporary jazz that doesn't last. When we follow His plan, He gives us happiness that lasts forever.

That is the blue print I want, no matter how hard it is.

What is America?

We had the presidential election yesterday. Donald Trump has been elected as the new president of the United States. It feels so unreal, but I am so glad that the majority of the political mess and banter seems to be over with. So many seem to be hurting today because Trump won- but it would be the same if Clinton had won too. Our country is so divided, and it is awful to try and talk to anyone about it anymore.

Part of what hurts me so much are the absolutes that everyone seems to deal in. 'The other side is wrong because of this, or their side is wrong because of that. All Clinton supporters are liars, or all Trump supporters are racists and bigots'. Nobody gives anyone a chance to tell their side anymore. We blame each other, and assume that our position is right (because we researched it of course), without ever taking the time to sit down and really understand what the person on the other side of that comment is thinking and feeling- what that human being might be emotionally enduring. In part because we live in a world that is majorly expressed through status updates and pictures, we are detached from one another, and we seem to have forgotten how to love each other and recognize one another as people. We are individuals with stories and backgrounds, families and beliefs, history and emotion. We have lost the capacity to remember the purpose of America, a nation founded under God.

I ache for our country. I ache for how divided we feel in a nation that is supposed to stand united. I would never wish for the pain and fear that 9/11 brought to our country, but I do yearn for the unity and support and outpouring of love that followed that event so many years ago. I hate to think that only a tragedy such as that would humble us enough to listen and turn to each other regardless of what we look like, or what we do for a living, or what we choose to believe. 

We are Americans. We belong together, and I am exhausted from watching that fall apart.

Learning love

Remember this post? Where I ranted about commitment?

Since then I have found the man of my dreams. Someone who doesn't just talk, but also does. He works hard, and gives me surprises of things that I love, and listens to me, and tells me I am beautiful, and I know that he means it. And being married to him is so much better than I ever imagined. 

Real-life love is different. Real-life love feels different. There is something about it that isn't what you think it's going to be. 

“You have to promise you won't fall in love with me.” 

-A Walk To Remember

Love is portrayed in movies, and songs, and on TV. Love there is passionate, and wild. There are angry fights, and then they make up. They try to portray the conflict that will inevitably arise, and they try to portray the hardship and the trials. That love seemed real to me. It wasn't perfect, and I knew that love never would be, but I longed for it. 

“They didn’t agree on much. In fact, they didn’t agree on anything. They fought all the time and challenged each other ever day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.” 

-The Notebook

I love the way Noah and Ali's story works out in 'The Notebook'. 

I love the way Landon and Jaime come together in 'A Walk to Remember', and he turns his entire life around because he falls in love with her, even though he knows she is sick. 

I love the way 'P.S I love You' shows the love a couple can carry even after death, and how you can move on and still find life and love. 

I fell in love with how imperfectly perfect love seemed to be. Logically I knew what I wanted, but it wasn't until I got married that I realized that love was different. Love is all of those things that I wanted, and even more. The thing about real-life love is there just aren't words. And I know that sounds cliche. All that,  "I couldn't be happier" and "he makes so happy" and all that other mushy stuff. The thing about real-life love, is that even the most poetic prose can't capture the dedication and the feeling. The true emotion you feel in your chest when you are disappointed or anxious or just flat out in love that you couldn't be happier. The pillow talk and the adventures and the passion and the conflict. The dynamics of real-life love are so intricate, that there isn't a way to explore all the facets without being directly involved. 

Just the fact that I'm going into such depth to explain how something so wonderful is in-explainable, is a contradiction to the idea itself. 

So though I still love a good chick flick, and I love the love and the romance and everything that comes with it in the movies, I prefer the real thing. I'm thrilled to have more than a lifetime to learn love. 

Cuh-Razy

This last week was cuh-razy. Crazy long. Crazy busy. Crazy beautiful. Just straight up crazy. I did a lot of things, and well... didn't do a lot of things.

But amongst all the things I did (and didn't) do, I also want to share with you a full circle view of the other things that I learned about myself, that I think you could benefit from.

Mentally: I need a clean apartment. I like to do homework, well, at home. It's my space where no one can really bother me. But if there are dishes in the sink, or clothes on the floor- not gonna happen. Nope. Nada. Not a chance. If I'm going to clear my brain, I need to clear my house.

Physical: I bike to school, so this week I had to take it back to the mission. I learned that biking in a skirt is the worst. I learned that if your skirt is too long it gets caught in the gears. If it's too short it rides up to an uncomfortable point just above your knee, and you have to pray the entire time that no one is really paying that close of attention- while you frantically steer with one hand and hold your skirt down with the other.

Emotional: (This one is my favorite). It's important to take time to be in the moment. I have lists and lists of things I need to do.  The "this is what must be done today" list. And the "here is what should be done sometime this week" list. Lists for goals, menus, cleaning, grocery lists, letters to write, people to pray for, things to buy, on and on and on. But what happens is then I think about those lists. Hanging out with friends, *thinking about what I still need to to that day*. Date with my husband *the dishes still aren't clean*. Working on homework *I know there's an email I forgot to send... have I called my mom this week?*
Can you see why I'm a bit of a wreck sometimes (crazy)? I'm learning to take things one step at a time. It will be okay, and things will get done. And it is important that when I'm with my husband, I'm actually with my husband. And when I'm doing homework, I can focus because I'm not worried about something else that I haven't done yet. It's impossible to do all the things at once, and that's okay.

Spiritual: Take a break during the day, and find peace in the scriptures. I know that everyone has their different routine for when to read, but this week mine was to stop at lunchtime. It's easy for my day to get a little overwhelming, so 45 minutes to refuel my spiritually and relax my brain is the best mid-day medicine a person can get.


So if this busy girl with a crazy schedule can find a moment to learn a few new things.... well, I think you know the rest.

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

This week was very up-and-down. I had a really rough start, but you have been so patient.
Thank you for doing the things that mean so much to me. I love that you know how much I love the romantic things.

Like when you surprised me and bought salami and cheese and Martinelli's and we had lunch in the Garden's on campus to smooth Jazz music.
And held me while I cried- or refused to cry even though we both knew I needed to.
And the next day you bought daisies. My favorite.
And when you went on a bro-date and got pedicures, you knew I would be a teensy bit disappointed if your toes weren't painted. So you came back with them painted camo. And I laughed so hard.
And on your lunch break you made the bed I didn't have time to get to. And swept the floor. And even got all your dishes in the sink.
And supported me when I decided to quit my internship.
And thought to pause for a moment and let me know that you noticed I was doing better, and how proud you were that I was being so productive. You have no idea how much that means to me.
And I am so grateful that you are the worthy priesthood holder I always dreamed of marrying. And the hard worker that can support our family (and my sweet tooth).

You are my Hero.

Love,
Your Wife.

Another one of those posts

Here is another one of those posts where I promise to write regularly.

Another post where I explain that for a class I want to really do this. I want to really be good at posting, and having awesome posts, and all sorts of things, so I'm making it a part of my grade.
Another post where I want to feel accountable to all my readers (thanks Mom!), so that I'll actually do something.
I want to explain to you that my goal is to write on Thursdays, sleep on it, review, and publish on Fridays. (See? It's a Friday. I'm getting a good start so far). I want to explain that I will look for typos, and spend time brainstorming. I will write about more, than just these 'I'm sorry, I promise to do better' posts.

But that's kind of boring all-in-all. So concisely: I'm determined to get really good at this. Yell at me if I don't.

Thanks.

Brainstorming.

So, I told you a couple months ago that I was working on stories. I was going to take videos, and I was going to practice, and all sorts of things. I have officially published one. There is currently another one being uploaded, so while I wait I figured I would come here. At this point I just need to write... something.

I have been struggling with what stories to tell. When I started this project I had all sorts of ideas. Interesting things were happening, even if they weren't all a big deal. I had things I wanted to tell and talk about.

And then I started work.

Now, I love work. I work at a Brick Oven Restaurant and we have an absolute blast! I am busy, and I love that. I am surrounded by (mostly) happy people, and I love that too. But the only stories that are worth telling, generally happen in a span of 6.4 seconds as you run by someone in the interworkings of the kitchen. So they are the kind of stories that I like to tell my husband to make him smile at the end of the day, but not substantial enough to turn into a 3-5 minute video that someone would actually kind of care about.

Maybe I should start publishing the diaries of work once a week and it will be just a short conglomeration of stories? Or just learn how to better add detail and background to make those small stories more worth it? I don't know.

Then, sometimes the other stories are kind of sad. There is frustration, and heartbreak. I am a much better storyteller when I know that the story has a happy ending... and sometimes they don't. Maybe that's something I should work on too-- telling stories with emotions besides happy and enthusiastic and sometimes funny.

I guess I just worry about being a 'Debbie Downer'. I don't want to always whine or complain. I don't want to always talk about the hard things that are going on. But I also don't want to waste your time with things that just aren't worth your while, even though I might think they are funny.
But I guess that was sort of the point of this project, right? To learn what I'm good and not-so-good at, and then do something about it?

Well, I'm off to work (again). I'll let this simmer and hopefully something a little more exciting will happen tonight.

Work is Beautiful

So I realized part of my problem. I love blogging. And no, I guess that's not technically the problem. It's a good thing really. The problem, is that I am a busy woman, as most women are, and because I find myself busy running around doing things that 'need' to be done, I don't always save time for things that want to be done. So regardless of how much I love blogging, I don't make time to do it.

But what if blogging and telling stories and releasing feelings doesn't just want to be done, it needs to be done?

I want to feel productive with my hours, and though I know that blogging is productive, because I love it so much I forget that I can consider it productive. I forget that it is good for my health (and right now will even get me class credit!)

But I guess that's how work should be right? Doing something we love, so that it doesn't even feel like work?

That is beautiful.

Love Story-Song

Okay, so it's a few days late. But while working on this project I had fun, and I learned a few things.

1. I'm not very good at editing videos.
2. I don't ever want to edit movies/videos.
3. I don't like editing.
4. Editing takes a lot longer than I want it to.
5. I don't like editing.

But now that that is out of the way, here is a roughly edited version. Pay more attention to the song in the middle. That is the important part.

One or Two?

There is this funny sort of relationship between our bodies and souls. They are one unit- they are you. Yet there have been times in my life, that I can distinctly feel that they are different- two. It's hard to describe because as you know, they operate together. The soul needs the body as a sort of 'house', or else it is useless. You can't see or touch it... it is merely there, and we don't really know about it. But on the other hand the body, which acts as a 'house' for our soul, needs the soul. The body, by itself, is just a body. No movement. No life. No personality. Not really a person in fact. Just a body. 

So we understand that they are two separate entities that need each other. 

That my friend, is a really cool thing. Individually, the soul and the body don't seem to be worth a lot, or they can't do a lot. But together, they are life. Together they are beautiful. Together they create a perfect synergy. Together, they create you. And me. And every person that ever lived and ever will live. Together they are perfect. 

Usually, the two blend so stinkin' well that we don't even remember that there are two parts. But sometimes, for me lately, they are...different. My body wants to lay around. My body wants to get fat, and watch movies, and eat chocolate, and cuddle, and not do my hair. 

My soul wants adventure. My soul wants exercise, and health, and laughter, and structure. 

Body- food. Soul- self control. Body- sleep. Soul- activity.

They have daily battles- little conversations like this all of the time. My body wants to sleep for 10 hours, while my soul knows I only need 6 or 7. My body wants to eat out with my husband 8 times a week. My soul has a good time eating out, and needs the time with my husband just as much as my body, but it knows that I only need to eat at a restaurant maybe once a week. And I definitely don't need Krispy Kreme and a chocolate cake and ice cream and too much Dr. Pepper. (I still believe that Dr. Pepper and chocolate cake are good for the soul by the way. Just probably not every day *cough*cough*). My body wants movies. My soul needs exercise. 

I'm learning that there is a distinction between what our body wants and what our soul needs. And I'm learning that creating that distinction, and listening to the souls needs, will get you a lot farther in life than sitting on your body's butt. 

The body and soul work together- two separate entities that thrive with and need each other. A relationship we need to understand and foster. So while the two are one, one is two. 

I never knew it was you

Dear Future Husband,

I'm running out of time to write these letters to you. Because well, I found you.
All the waiting, wishing, praying... it's all finally coming together.

In a mere 31 days, you will be husband, and not just future husband.

I am so excited!

I have prayed for you. and about you. a lot.
I have tried to work hard and be my best self for you. for us.
Just know that I won't stop that.
I'm not perfect, but I'm working.
It's a little bit strange that it's all finally real.

But I think I'm ready.

I never thought it would be you. (We all know that that came as a bit of a surprise). But when I think about it, I always knew that that was how it was going to work. I have had conversations with my Father in Heaven, and He told me that I would marry my best friend. He told me to be patient, and He told me that it would be someone I didn't expect... and boy did he have that right. I definitely didn't see you coming into my life the way you did. But I am so, so grateful that you did.

I'm glad that you already know my family, and that I already love yours. I'm so grateful that we have worked so hard together, to make a long-distance relationship work. I love that we read the scriptures, and pray, and laugh and everything. You are always able to give me the love and dedication that I need, even when I know that life gets difficult.

I'm excited to see the adventures we're going to go on. I'm excited to see you be a dad. I'm excited to be poor college students, and to do hard things together.

Thank you for being you. I love you.

Love,
Your (thrilled) future wife

Fishes Grant Wishes

Sometimes you have to give a speech in class on an experience. And sometimes you decide to talk about something gross. and something fun. and something... romantic?

Finding Beautiful

Every girl wants to feel beautiful. It's a part of who we are, a piece that is built into us, an insatiable desire to feel beautiful. loved. appreciated. unique. 

Girls feel beautiful when handsome men tell them that they are. They feel beautiful when they are in sexy dresses with expensive jewelry and lots of makeup. Perfectly manicured nails and curled hair. They feel beautiful when they travel to far off places and go to fancy parties. 

Or at least, that's what the world wants us to think that beauty is. 

But beauty is a little more tender than sexy dresses and handsome men and far off places. 

Beauty is something that has to be found, not created. 

It's in the moments you are doing what you love. It's in the moments that are small, but victorious.

For me, it's in the moments that I am sweaty and gross and completely unattractive, after running 3 miles.
It's coming home from a hike or a camping trip, with tangled, frizzy hair, covered in dirt, and smelling like sweat and smoke.
It's when I am surrounded by happy people, doing absolutely nothing, nowhere important.
When I am laughing.
When I am working.
When I am serving.
Loving. Helping. Getting dirty.

The moments that am particularly the quite opposite of glamorous, in very plain places, are when I find beauty. When I am in nature. When I am doing something I love. When I feel accomplished.

We don't say that a landscape isn't beautiful or complete because it doesn't have trees. Or because there is no ocean.
We don't curse the blue of the sky because it isn't always the orange and maroon colors of sunset.
We don't tell the peacock that it isn't majestic, because it isn't a lion. Or the lion that it is too ferocious and needs to be more like the mouse.

Beauty isn't something that we can fabricate. It's something that happens. True, inner beauty, is more attractive than any far off adventure or expensive fairytale. It's something here. Something now. Something so unique and perfect that only you can find it for yourself. No one can give it to you, and no one can take it away. So work for it. Keep it. Treasure it.

Make beauty yours. 

just mean it

Dear Future Husband,

don't win me with words.

If you really think I'm beautiful, that's nice. I do like to hear that, but only tell me if you mean it. only tell me you love me... if you are sincere.

I don't want the empty space that comes after those words, when there is no action to back it up. I don't want the waiting, when I get my hopes up because you said such flattering words, and didn't mean them. Not if I know you are saying those same words to so many other girls at the same time. It's a little disenchanting to be honest.

When I feel beautiful, it will be because I know I am. When I feel confidant, I worked to get there.

I am done with empty promises. I am done with words. I am done with flattery and compliments.

The way it happens in the movies, you can get away with anything if only you have the right words to say. If you can smooth talk her, and make her swoon a little, sneak in an unwarranted kiss... you've got it made. That's all it takes.

But this future wife of yours is going to be a little harder to get than that, because she's learned.

When I was growing up, my dad taught me to show him what I meant, by backing it up with action. If I loved him, and I meant it, I would do as he asked.
If you love me, that's all I ask. Show me. Your actions, I promise, will speak louder than your words. They will last longer, and will mean so much more to me.

And by the way, that doesn't mean flowers or chocolate. Though I will graciously accept the gifts and be grateful for them (dark chocolate and daisies are my favorite in case you wanted to know), but make sure that you mean them. Make sure that they are not a facade. Because I'm done with fake. I'm done with superficial, stereotypical, and shallow. I'm done with the smooth talk, and the show. The act won't be enough.
But that is how I know you will be worth it in the end.

Thank you for listening to my rants, especially when they are a little ridiculous.
I love you.

Love,
Your future wife, (that is sorry she got a little irritated today)

Just a little Valentines Love

Well, I still think that Valentines is a bit of an odd holiday. Super exciting for those that have lovers. And a little not-as-exciting for those that don't. 

But regardless, love is in the air, and I wanted to celebrate :)

Not

You are not your age,
Nor the size of clothes you wear,
You are not a weight,
Or the color of your hair.
You are not your name,
Or the dimples in your cheeks,
You are all the books you read,
And all the words you speak,
You are your croaky morning voice,
And the smiles you try to hide,
You're the sweetness in your laughter,
And every tear you've cried,
You're the songs you sing so loudly,
When you know you're all alone,
You're the places that you've been to,
And the one that you call home,
You're the things that you believe in,
And the people that you love,
You're the photos in your bedroom,
And the future you dream of,
You're made of so much beauty,
But it seems that you forgot,
When you decided that you were defined,
By all the things you're not.

--by Erin Hansen

smile to survive

Smiling creates a positive chemical reaction within your body.

When you smile you feel better. You look more attractive. You relieve stress. 

When you smile people want to be around you. You automatically are happier.

Bottom line, smiling is a good idea, and it's not meant for only when you feel happy. Sometimes it's a good idea to smile when you're not happy so that you can feel happier. 

Like for example when life is really hard, and people are aggravating. And when you have a lot on your plate and you're stressed, sure you're going to pull out all of your hair. And when it's cold outside and you've fallen on the ice, and you have a headache and friends are struggling and you had a terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-day. You name it. Life sometimes likes to throw a lot at us. 

But when you smile things just feel better. 

Try it. I dare you. 

And on that note, you will be able to find me at the gym, on an elliptical, smiling like an idiot...

Learning to Trust Him

sometimes you have to learn to trust you Father in Heaven.

actually, all the time.

because sometimes, things are really hard. and sometimes you want to give up. and sometimes you want to throw a little pity party and eat all of the chocolate and mope around for a while and just be angry. because that's easier, and it feels like it will make you feel better. And sometimes you think that you know what you want. and because you think you know what you want, you make plans. and sometimes (usually) those plans fail. epically. and it's not pretty.




and then sometimes, you remember that your Heavenly Father loves you. and no, he didn't abandon you. He just let you make some mistakes because He loves you. He said that it was okay for you to throw a little temper tantrum for a while, and eat all of the chocolate, because He knew that you would be okay, and that you would come out stronger. Sometimes He has to remind you that you, indeed, are not in charge. And sometimes though He has to remind you that He is in charge, and that you were doing it all wrong, He still loves you. And He still wants the best for you.

Sometimes He sends you daily reminders that you are not forgotten. He sends you some incredible people in your life that make you smile, and lift you up, and help you be the best person you can be. Sometimes He sends you messages from old friends reminding you that you are loved and missed. Sometimes He helps give you the strength you need, or clearer answers to prayers, or good weather, or chocolate from someone you love, or a smile, or relief, or someone to talk to. Sometimes he gives you the opportunity to serve, or to be served, or a really good scripture study. He gives clarity and peace.

And when all of that finally comes, you forget to be mad that he waited so long to help you. because in reality, He was only waiting for you.

Waiting for you to learn, and grow, and come to Him.